'Is this 'Intellectual W*nking ... or not???? (ps. the * is an 'a'!!)

When I worked, some 10 years ago, the corporate lingo always started with the first two fingers of each hand making a quotes symbol. The 'in vogue' terms that came from the likes of the Marketing Department or PR were "Vanilla Product" (meaning 'starting point'), or "Soup to Nuts" (meaning you got the whole freaking job done and then deliver to the customer what they were expecting!). Hardly 'Rocket Science' - (don't know what the what the Marketing or PR called that!!) So today I think all of my hatred of anything like this is due to the fact that I am so far away from it I can see how pathetic it is. Thankfully the two fingers of each hand symbol has become outdated - now we simply use one hand and turn the fingers around!!

My 'Man of Many Contradictions' has recently got a new Job Title, (as opposed to a new job!). What does he do? Well I hate when people ask me that, because quite frankly I don't understand his job. He works for a major telecommunications company, and makes deals happen between his company and other companies/corparations, and his customers are in the financial institutions. Is that not a major dinner-party conversation stopper?!?! Anyway the thing that makes me believe that I could never work for a company like my MOMC works for is his new 'job title' ... Wait for it ..... He is now called a "Rain-Maker".

Pause ... Read it again ... Yes that was correct what you read!! "Rain-Maker"!!

(I think I will need to re-read the John Grisham novel to understand the meaning).

The best one I heard today though, was how the police are treating politically correctness by changing their wording of certain processes. Apparently if you are "Brain-Storming" you are being cruel to sufferers of epilepsy! Now you need to say "I am Thought-Showering". I kid you not!! Well, I am so 'Showered with Thought' just now, that I think I have to finish this post. Are there any more examples out there? I would love to hear them!!

Dealing with depression

Most people that know me - even those who know me quite well - don't know how hard I struggle against depression.

Outwardly, most of the time, I am super-confident. I think I am perceived as someone you can rely on, you can tell your troubles to. I try to embrace everyones' problems and look at the solutions they may have open to them. I just wish I could sort out my own issues. Isn't that it though? You see anothers' problems from a distance and therefore the solutions seem much clearer. You do not share the same distractions.

But, there lies the question for me. Why do I suffer from depression? I have a lovely home, an amazingly supportive and loving husband, two amazing and gorgeous children, fantastic friends and a life totally untouched by tragedy or infamy, or anything that would lead a person to have a reason to be depressed.

When I was 13 I was prescribed Valium. This was due to me turning up at the Nurses' Station at school, practically daily, crying my heart out. Did I crave attention? I honestly do not know. From a very early age, perhaps 6 or 7, I was convinced I was going to die. I really thought that my parents, (particularly my Mum) were trying to poison me. I would imagine that she was putting poison into my food that she had hidden in her cardigan sleeve!! I love her so much that I could never, ever discuss this with her. This is totally my problem and has nothing to do with her. She, (and my Dad), were completely loving and caring for me. I adopted what I now know as 'obsessive, compulsive' behaviour' to combat these feelings.

I was a 'surprise' to my Mum and Dad. Mum was 42 and Dad 48 when I was born. They both thought that Mum was going through the 'change'. I have a 'big brother' who is 15 years my senior. He reacted really badly to the pregnacy - and who can blame him? Thinking at any age that your parents fornicate! He went to University in another city when I was 5 and then emigrated to New Zealand when I was about 10, so I have never really known him like you would expect to know a sibling. Also, I can totally understand how - in the early '60's when I was born, options for pregnancies, (ie terminations etc), were far fewer than they are now.

My OCD was really debilitating and, when caught, was extremely embarrasing. We lived in a house with a staircase up the middle. At the top you took a step up on the right to get to my parents' bedroom, and a step up on the left to get to the bathroom and my bedroom. (If you kinda think of the Coronation Street, 'two-up, two-down, back-to-back' terraced houses, you are just about there). I could not go to the bathroom or to bed without doing the correct sequence of stepping up and down the stairs at the top. If I got the sequence wrong, I would have to start again. I have no idea what my parents' thought I was doing!

When I had Big Cub, (so I'm talking less than 10 years ago), I couldn't hang out a washing where his pyjamas were the first on the line. I just knew he would become very poorly if I did that. As with dealing with my problem as a child, I had to force myself to try not to succumb to my irrational fears of the consequences of me doing something. It was (and still is at times), very difficult to do this.

The strange thing is, when I have had need to speak to professionals about my depression, I have never mentioned my OCD. I suppose this is because I have always felt it was wrong - even 'mad' , (whatever 'madness' is). I always have felt the need to come across as "No, no - I'm fine!". Why? I do not know. Writing this has been probably the most difficult and heart-wrenching thing I have ever done. If it speaks to you and helps - it will have been worth the pain.

My recurring dreams ..

I have a couple of constantly recurring dreams. Does anyone out there know how to decipher them, I wonder?

In the past, I had various dreams on the theme that I had to make a really important telephone call, and I could never get the phone to dial the correct number. This started when I was a teenager. We didn't have a phone in the house until I was 16, so I always used public phone boxes. (In fact I remember myself and a few friends used to call the operator and say that we had put our money in and not got put through in the hope that we would get free phone calls. This stopped one night when the operator kept us on the line and the police arrived. Was that not a way to show you how fast 5 teenagers can run?!?!)

More recently though I have a constant dream. It is all about me being in a hotel and needing to catch a flight. The problem is that I have so many clothes in cupboards, wardrobes, all over the bed etc., and I do not have time to pack them to catch the flight. Sometimes it can be that I am staying in a house that I'm renting and I not only can't pack my clothes, but also I need to clean and tidy the house. Again, there is no time left to do it all. I don't believe that I have very many clothes in reality, nor am I particularly a 'clothes' person. I would always leave an apartment/holiday home etc as clean and tidy as I could. I have even been known to buy cleaning materials to make sure I leave a place at least as good, if not better, than it was when we arrived.

Finally, there is my last recurring dream. It always involves the sea, or rather the tides of the sea, coming in so fast. There are massive waves breaching the sea wall and onto the pavements. Sometimes, in my dream, I have to shelter in doorways to stop being swept out. Sometimes I have to get back along the road I came from, but it could be washed over by the seawater. Most times it isn't actually, but I have to keep going back to check that it is still ok.

So there are my weird dreams. I would love someone to either understand/relate/decipher them. I can see for myself what they 'could'(?!?) mean, but would really appreciate a different view.Anyone got any ideas?

I am a crap blogger!

So sorry to all (both!) my readers that I haven't posted in ages. I could give the reason (I believe in reasons, not excuses), that I am trying to do all the groundwork to start a business. It involves migrating to Linux, of which I knew nothing - a lot of programming language, of which I knew very little - and knowing that with a lot of work, and a little luck(!) we could have quite an amazing product. I have so much thanks to my guru, Koan, for continuing to guide me through a quite severe learning curve, but we are getting there. In the spirit of Linux, when I get to a point where I can post something meaningful about what I am doing, I will post here.

I should still have posted though. I guess I am a fairly typical newbie - 'What on earth could I say of any interest to other people?'. Well, that's just it about blogging. You can talk about anything and there may be something that you write that seems like a small significance to you, but could have a real change or re-affirmation to someone else. Am I making this too big?

I hope not, I have 'met' people through blogging who have amazing lives - so different from the life I live, but it is what they experience that is so fascinating! They give such an insight into a world that I could never, ever know, but one on which I can be educated and expand my knowledge and question what I think I know.

So there you go. Am I talking to blog readers? ... No I think I am talking to myself actually!! I am just going to post stuff here, ideas, thoughts, personal experience, life experiences and probably more than a little about my past. I hope I can write it - and most of all, I hope it is worth reading!

There I go - wondering if it's all worth it ....!